mud and chocolate

ALTER EGO:
What’s the difference between mud and chocolate?
ME:
Well, that’s easy, one is edible the other isn’t. One is full of energy, the other is not.
ALTER EGO:
What’s the similarity between mud and chocolate?
ME:
They’re all brown, can’t you SEE the similarity? Are all alter egos this stupid?
ALTER EGO
Why the hell are you writing about mud and chocolate?
ME:
Because I feel like it. And you shut up.
ALTER EGO:
What’s the freaking significance of this post?
ME:
It’s gonna save the world!!!! And I thought I said shut up. I have to write this post. Besides, why does everything have to be of significance?
ALTER EGO:
Why should anyone want to read this?
ME:
Why shouldn’t they? Because they want to.
Why all the questions? Huh? Huh? And shut the hell up, I want to write.

If you’ve lost me somewhere in that “sophisticated” dialogue. Well fear not because I’m just back from la-la land and the above is just the side effect of the trip there and back.

ALTER EGO:
Why did you go to la-la land in the first place?
ME:
I woke up in la-la land and found YOU inside my head. What did I do to get stuck with you inside my head huh punk?
ALTER EGO:
Well, first of all you don’t “get stuck” with an alter ego. You have the privilege of having an alter ego. You should thank your guardian demon for having an alter ego at all. And there’s no la-la land.
ME:
I have never heard of guardian demon so la-la land is the only logical explanation for your existence. Is there really guardian demon? I’m so surprised, I’m so flattered. How can I get rid of you?
ALTER EGO:
Hey I might know all the answers but why should I tell you? I’m having so much fun talking to you.
ME:
Shut up and let me write!
ALTER EGO:
You’re not writing, you’re typing. Can’t you tell the freaking difference? Besides, you didn’t wake up in la-la land. You’re fabricating the whole la-la land concept. In other words you’re lying to your readers. You’ve forfeited the integrity of a writer, oops, typer.
ME:
SHUT UP! It’s my blog and I write whatever I want to write. Get your own blog and do whatever you want to do with it.
ALTER EGO:
TYPE you idiot. TYPE. How many time do I have to tell you. You write with a pen and type with a keyboard.
ME:
WHAT-freaking-EVER. Get your own freaking blog!

:
*insert long and big sigh of relief*
It’s gone. So now that the la-la land approach is sabotaged by my damn alter ego I’ll use plan B. The direct approach.
ALTER EGO:
You’re fabricating again. You didn’t have a plan B. You lying liar!
ME:
Why did I have the impression that you’re gone forever? And WHATEVER I can think on my feet and I had a plan B. And when you call anyone a liar you’re implying that they’re lying already. You don’t have to call them a “lying liar” that’s overdoing it. Why am I even talking to you?
ALTER EGO:
Because you have noone to talk to. I was just emphasising on the fact that you’re a liar. What better adjective besides “lying”? And you didn’t think on your feet. You were sitting. You thought on your arse.
ME:
That was just a figure a speech. And you can stick it up your a.uhhh.. you behind.
ALTER EGO:
That is exactly why you get the privilege of having my company. You’re not living up to your name. You’re not evil, you’re not a genius and you’re hardly truevilgenius material. I’ll leave when you live up to it.
ME:
That’s not my name!!! That’s just an alias, you idiot! Leave! Begone! Leave, sesame!
ALTER EGO:
What the f***? Leave sesame?
ME:
Can’t blame me for trying. How about this I’m ignoring you and just type my post?

That’s it, where was I?
Yep, my alter ego. Apparently I haven’t lived up to my “name” which is truevilgenius. As my alter ego had so happily pointed out. And it wouldn’t get its own blog so now I’m stuck with it on the same blog. I think I should change the name of the blog to “me and my alter ego” or something but that would mean designing another template. And the damn alter ego doesn’t deserve it anyway.

ALTER EGO:
I deserve everything, I deserve the world.
ME:
Shut up! Quit interrupting me. You’ve wasted most of this post already. Just let me salvage what I can out of this disaster of a post!

Ok, mud and chocolate. I really haven’t drawn on the similarity between them until this morning. See, my mum wanted to block the oh-so-relaxing view, and sound for that matter, of cars travelling at 60 km/h on the road in front of our house. She bought about 2 dozens neighbour be gone’s to plant in the front yard. So we had to dig holes to put the damn plants in. You know those western movies where the heroes are made to dig their own graves by the bad guys? Yeah, they make grave digging seems like a piece of cake. That is a lie. I had to dig a 40 cm wide and 40 cm deep hole to put a plant in and it took ages and ages. And you can dig nothing with a shovel. Well, maybe it’s just my luck because I could dig nothing with a shovel. So I had this sudden bright idea of pouring water into the hole to make the soil softer. That was not very bright apparently. The soil didn’t absorb the water even though it was as dry as a bone. So I was stuck with a half-dug hole fill with mud which had the nice, smooth consistency of molten chocolate. Yum, chocolate!
Anyway, the problem with that was I couldn’t dig down anymore without first remove the chocolate-ish mud because it would splatter mud everywhere. So a morning well-spent digging holes and stuck with an alter ego while I was at it? You tell me.

ALTER EGO:
that wasn’t that bad.
ME:
What wasn’t bad? digging holes? Having been stuck with you? Oh yes, that wasn’t bad AT ALL!
ALTER EGO:
No, you idiot, the post.
ME:
oh!
ALTER EGO:
Compare to the last post on you blog, this is much much better. You’ve displayed your ability to develop your own unique voice. That’s gonna set you apart from the rest of the blogging community.
ME:
Oh really? You think so?
ALTER EGO:
Yep, nothing to do with your salvaging ability though. All thanks to me. Without me and my clever questions your post is just another of your mind-numbingly boring posts.
ME:
Yeah right, without you I would have finished this post 2 hours ago! Why should I thank you for wasting not only my time but also my readers’ time?
ALTER EGO: (singing “Without Me” by Eminem)
Coz this looks like a job for me, so everybody just follow me, coz we need a little controversy, coz it feels so empty without me!
ME:
Don’t you start singing “without me” on me. And do you have a name? Alter ego is hardly a name. I’m getting tired of having to type “alter ego” all the time.
ALTER EGO: (continue singing)
They tried to shut me down on MTV but it feels so empty without me.
Why don’t you admit that you like my presence on your blog?
ME:
I ain’t admitting nothing so don’t hold your breath you egotistical … alter ego.

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